Background...sad but true...

So Laura forced me into this blog thing, which I've actually been meaning to do for about a year because I was going to chronicle the infertility journey so no one would go through the "I want to ask her what's going on, but don't want to bring up bad feelings if she's having a good day...but also don't want her to think I don't care..." question any longer.

To make that whole story short, because let's face it--it was SO not fun--we'll see if I can summarize the loooooong story... We basically went through three years of "trying" to get pregnant. I started right off the bat with OPKs(ovulation predictor kits), had already read 3-4 of the 'getting ready to conceive' books, began BBTs (basal body temperature charts) etc. I had this nagging feeling after a few months of no success that something was just not right. The first dr. I had was NOT proactive, nor could I ever get anyone from their office to call me back with test results, etc. Bad sign--should've switched then! She had me do clomid w/o ever actually identifying what the underlying problems were. I finally switched doctors and by a recommendation, began seeing Dr. Herzog at Plano Presby. Within 10 minutes at my first appointment, he'd already discovered that I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), thin endometrial lining, an ovary adhered to the pelvic wall (could be nonfunctioning), low progesterone, and probably endometriosis. The only way to fix at least some of those was surgery. So my first surgery was 6/10/08 and he performed an outpatient surgery including HSG (hysterosalpingogram to see if tubes are open), D&C (for 'spring cleaning'), hysteroscopy, and laparoscopy. My tubes were open, fibroids removed, endometriosis removed, and the adhesions from the endometriosis were going to be (hopefully) fixed by Lupron therapy. I began the Lupron therapy, one injection a month for five months, which is a drug that basically puts you into medically induced menopause, and yes...it's about as much fun as it sounds. Let's just say I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I was an emotional mess because it whacks out your hormones (which were already nuts from the several months of Clomid and low progesterone problem), had hot flashes, gained inches in odd areas despite my normal workout routine and diet, etc.

The longer all this dragged on, the more difficult it came for me to deal with anything 'baby.' I'm sure some of it was from the meds and hormonal mess my body had become, but it grew increasingly hard for me to deal with anything 'baby', from girls nonchalantly announcing their pregnancies to commercials. I would no longer attend baby showers--they were just way too painful and would haunt me for weeks afterwards. I hated not being able to be happy for other people--it made me feel so selfish and alone. My one true anchor through all of this was my faith in the Lord. He'd made me this way, He'd put this desire for a biological child in my heart early on, and I had faith that He would get me through this mess. He has a plan for me (Jer. 29:11) and directs my steps (Proverbs 3:5-6, 16:9) I am fortunate to have the perfect husband who has been a saint throughout this ordeal--Jason is an amazing, very patient man. Knowing that he had to be sick of hearing about female anatomy and my periodic pity parties, I found two wonderful Bible studies/support groups--a private one led by my friend Suzanne, and the In His Time group at Stonebriar Community Church. Both of those groups were full of amazing ladies who had been there, done that, and were at all stages of infertility--I could share anything with other people who actually understood all the acronyms, pain, and feelings I was going through!! (for information on In His Time, see the Stonebriar website at http://www.stonebriar.org/ )

I was scheduled for a second laparoscopic surgery on 10/6/08, expected to be another outpatient surgery with only a 15% chance it would be a "big" surgery. Well, if you know my luck at all, I was of course in the unlucky 15% category--once he got the laparoscope in there, it was apparent that BOTH ovaries were adhered to things they shouldn't be touching, plus they were still covered in cysts. So he did a full-blown laparotomy (think c-section w/o the happy ending of a baby), requiring a four day hospital stay and 6 wks off of work. Thank goodness I was a part of the sick leave bank... I never had to go w/o pay, but ALL of my saved up sick days were used (and then some).

Once my cycle came back from the Lupron, we once again began Clomid cycles. After two months, Dr. H added a trigger shot of HCG to "make" me ovulate, but still no luck. After five months (total) of the Clomid/HCG injections, he basically told me to go see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I finally made the appointment for June of 2009 and had an entire workup of bloodwork, etc. Certain things have to be on certain days of your cycle, so the next round of testing (a saline sonogram and another HSG) had to wait until August...right as school was about to begin. Aside from the awful timing, it felt like ANY choice at the RE was translated $$$, and we'd already forked over soooo much for the surgeries and meds in the previous years--I just couldn't do it any longer. Basically, if God wanted me to have a baby...if it was indeed in His plan, as I'd felt my entire life...then He would have to perform a miracle. We considered reconsidering treatment options in January of 2010 and quit all treatments.

In September of 2009, I gave up on BBTs, quit OPKs, all meds, and just tried to not think about it. (The nicest thing was NOT having to plan when to do "it" for the first time in three years!!) A big weight was lifted off of my shoulders, but the baby thoughts never, ever left my head... I continued praying ferverently and earnestly for my heart's desire. John 16:24 became my mantra..."Ask, and keep on asking, that you shall receive and your joy may be made full and complete." We went about life as 'normal' and I tried to concentrate on the new school year and other things. I was much happier than I had been in quite some time--God had given me a newfound peace about all of this. We got to October and my 33rd b-day sent me into a mini tail spin of sorts...another one of those milestones where you thought you'd have a toddler by now... The In His Time group met the night of my birthday, and more than anything I just wanted to be at home with my husband and relax after a long day at school, but I knew it would be good for me to go. I remember one of the lines from Beth Forbus' book, Baby Hunger, read something like, "Who knows...you could be sitting here right now, reading this book and already be pregnant without even knowing it!" I thought "yeah, right..." The next day morning came and I realized it had been 36 days since my last cycle began. Jason convinced me to get out a pregnancy test (which I'd purposely avoided--I just couldn't handle another negative result!). So I grabbed my little Dollar Tree test...lo and behold, there were TWO lines!!! We laughed, hugged, danced around the bathroom, and I walked on cloud nine all day long :) Nearly five months later, it's still hard to believe...but I'm thankful for each and every moment! I am much, much stronger than I thought was possible through God's testing over the past few years. It taught me much about myself, my husband, other people, and most importantly, my faith.