Will there (ever) be a #2?

"The quest for character requires that certain things be kept in the heart as well as kept from the heart.  An unguarded heart spells disaster." -Chuck Swindoll (based on Proverbs 4:23)

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, as my dad once informed me.  Jason has often chided me for letting everything show on my face.  The older I get, the more I notice how "expressive" I am with my kindergarteners at school.  So it's a wonder it's taken this long for many people to discover how long we've been trying for kid #2.

There is a fine line between telling people so that they can be praying for you, and telling people just to get it off of your chest.  Ultimately, it is my great hope that my battle with infertility (both rounds one AND two) will be my testimony.  God is good and He is sovereign.  He knows what's best for me, and what He has in store for our family.

Lately, though, it has been especially hard to digest many of the things going on around me.  Those people who share that they "weren't really trying" or "really didn't want a (or another) kid".  Or the ones who say, "I'm so fertile, all it took was for my husband to look at me from across the room and I was pregnant!."  Well gee, thanks for sharing.  That really makes be feel SO much better.  Or how about last month in church when we were surrounded by babies (I have no problem with people bringing their babies into the service...but really, if you're not listening at ALL and it keeps the closest 50 people around you from listening, too, what's the point, exactly?  Isn't that what the cry room and the nursing room are for?).  One lady whipped out her boob in the middle of the first prayer, fed on one side, burped her baby loudly, then went on to repeat with the other boob.  Really?!   Seems like everyone in my playgroup is either pregnant or just had a baby, too.  I am happy for them, but I still can't handle the baby showers right now.  I could go on and on, but I am bound and determined to be more positive about all this after going through a couple of very bitter months. 

One saving grace, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, is my infertility support group/Bible study called "In His Time" (based on Ecclesiastes 3:11).  I was in the group years ago for two of the three years of round one of my journey, and after going to an adoption baby shower this past Spring for one of the girls, I felt like I needed to go back.  So here I am, going on a collective 5 years of infertility.  It's amazing to hear what each one of the ladies in the group has gone through and what each is currently battling with.  And to me, what it keeps coming down to is that it has to be His timing.  I have tried several things this go round in trying for #2, but I feel like it's like grasping at the wind.  It all boils down to His perfect timing.  I could do all the herbs known to man, I could do reflexology and accupuncture, I could try IUI's and IVF...but none of that matters because if it is supposed to happen it will...and it will be all in His time!  Our pastor is doing a series on the life of Abraham (Yes, people do still preach out of the Old Testament!  And yes, it is very applicable to our daily lives!) and his sermon on Sunday was about exactly that.  Think about what Sarai (Sarah) did--she knew God had promised them a child, but she couldn't wait and jumped the gun.  She gave Abram (Abraham) her servant, which was a custom of barren women at that time, and they conceived Ishmael.  That began the conflict in the Middle East that still goes on today...all because she couldn't wait on His timing.  And no, waiting sure isn't easy.  But whatever we do or don't do, I want to be in God's will. 

I still feel like it's a very lonely road to travel.  I don't know anyone else who has gone through this twice.  And no, having one doesn't "solve" things...although I am extremely grateful for Reid, our feisty little blessing.  People tend to think if you have one, you won't feel this way again.  But, you do.  It's just a little different this time around.   I think most folks think, "You should be fine...you finally had one." but the desire is still there and stronger than ever.  

So I have a new outlook.  I'm just waiting.  I am secure in knowing that God has a good plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11).  He has put this desire for another child in my heart, so he will be faithful to fulfill it.  I just have to be patient, stay in His word, and wait.