I normally just blog about Reid since he is the most interesting person in the family (sorry, Jason ;) and we adults don't change or grow as much as our little guy. But sometimes, I just need to vent...it's kind of like an online diary of sorts.
I was hoping it wouldn't rear its ugly head again, but I have to face the facts and admit that we are in the category of "infertile." You are assigned that oh-so-lovely label when you have "actively been trying to conceive for a year." (And I think it's even less time than that when you're my age, lol!) This go 'round, it has now been 19 months. Since it took three years before being blessed with conceiving Reid, we didn't waste any time this go around and started "seeing what happens" when Reid was six months old. At first, it was absolutely fine...after all, since he hasn't been the easiest, most laid back child ever, it was probably a good thing to not have siblings 16 or so months apart ;) But as the months continue to tick by, I am not getting any younger. So we went from having primary infertility to primary and secondary infertility...hey, when you're gonna do something, do it right! (yes, sarcasm...and also the reason Jason and I snickered at the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows because I've always leaned toward the former, from allergy shots for 12 years, to migraines, to weird knee and ankle injuries, etc.)
It breaks my heart to think that Reid may be an only child, especially when I think of how much fun Laura and I had growing up (and still do!) and hear hilarious stories from Jason and Steven's childhood and beyond. There is just something about that bond between siblings...it's special and is like nothing else on Earth. Now don't get me wrong. I am so grateful for Reid that words truly fail me when I try to explain. And if his being an only child is God's plan for us, then I know He will be faithful and change my heart somewhere along the way (hopefully sooner rather than later!). But I truly feel like our little family isn't quite complete just yet. Some days, I just wish God would write it across the sky, or send me an email letting me know that yes, it will or will not happen someday. But that wouldn't require me to have faith, would it? God wouldn't be God if we understood everything He does or puts in our lives. I always think of Isaiah 55: 8 & 9, " 'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.' " I always thought I was pretty patient, but this is yet another time God is saying, "Wait. Wait on me." And every time He's done that, things turn out waaaaaay better than if I had been given exactly what I thought I wanted when I thought I wanted it.
So at my annual physical last year, I mentioned to my obgyn that we were trying again and he immediately said, "Do you need a little Clomid?" If you're not familiar with the drug, Clomid is the most prescribed fertility drug that millions of women take to induce ovulation. As a fun bonus, it has numerous possible side effects (most of which I will spare you), one being a 10% chance of conceiving multiples (as in, more than one baby). I don't think this ol' body can handle carrying twins, plus the Clomid didn't do much during the 5 or 6 rounds of it I tried before we conceived Reid. And no, I don't want to spend tens of thousands of dollars to be a human pincushion doing IUIs or IVF. No guarantees there, either. I have no qualms if someone else wants to do those, but I just don't feel like they are for us. It means many more doctor appointments (translated, time away from family), it's expensive (and that money could be going to Reid's college fund, etc.), and it takes a toll on my body both mentally and physically. Acupuncture is also expensive and time consuming, so it's out. Neither of us feels led toward adoption (nor could we afford it, anyway) because we want a biological sibling for Reid. And selfishly, I want to feel pregnancy again. Don't get me wrong...it was no joyride, but it was miraculous! To read a little entry each day or week about what is forming in your unborn child's body just reiterates how amazing it is when God "didst weave [them] together in [their] mother's womb" (Psalm 139:13). And I swear that I semi-knew some of Reid's personality with all the thrashing around in there ;)
So where exactly does that leave us? I'm open to trying alternative remedies that aren't all consuming or harmful (e.g. Chinese tea, reflexology). I did drink the Chinese tea I'd gotten in Singapore at the beginning of the month we conceived Reid. It was one of the grossest things ever...you take these barks, roots, stems, and boil them from five cups of water down to one, then drink it. Nastiest stuff I have ever put into my mouth. I would liken it to drinking dirt, and that's pretty much what it tasted like, too. Since I can't just hop a plane back over there, I ordered Fertilitea and drank it twice a day that the first half of this month. And as a bonus, it was much easier to drink even though I'm not a tea or coffee drinker. It did all kinds of quirky things to my body, which I'm hoping is a good sign. BUT ultimately, no matter what I do to "help" on the earthly end, we know Who is in charge here. God is "intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, oh Lord, You know it all." (also from Psalm 139, vs. 3 & 4) How wonderful it feels to know that I'm not doing this alone and that my Heavenly Father knows best.
So if I could ask one thing of you, if you've stuck around long enough to read this entry, please pray. Pray that His will is done and that we embrace it. Pray for our patience as we endure this trial. Pray that it brings Jason, Reid, and I closer as a family...because often times it does the opposite. Pray that it, once again, draws us closer to Him. Pray that it is truly in His time.
"...But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing." (Psalm 34:10b)
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